It’s something nearly all of us know: there’s a task in front of us, or simply something we want to do. Maybe it’s been there for days. Or weeks. Or months. Maybe we know perfectly well that we have to get this task done anyway – or we know that the matter is close to our heart and we truly want it. But every time we’re about to begin, something holds us back. Somehow we keep making a little detour around it, or we try to start and something blocks us, so we don’t move a single step forward. As if something inside us is pushing back with all its might against the very thing we actually want to do.

That’s not only frustrating, it also keeps us from relaxing and, even more so, from reaching our goals. If it’s a household chore, it might just be a nuisance. But if we want to do our body some good and exercise, for example, it’s not only a nuisance but a limitation on our health. And if we want to pursue a project that’s close to our heart, we feel bad on every level, because we can’t follow our inner voice.

So it’s worth taking a closer look. But let’s start with how we usually deal with it.

The two typical paths

When we run into inner resistance, we usually follow one of the two strategies below.

The first path is avoidance. We look away, distract ourselves, keep pushing the thing ahead of us. Sometimes we avoid it so well that we completely suppress what we actually wanted to do. By then the automatic pattern is already sitting especially deep. Maybe everything suddenly feels more important than, say, finally getting started on the project – even though we want it so badly.

The second path is push through. In the spirit of “eyes shut and push through,” we might tell ourselves to stop making such a fuss. Maybe we even get angry in the process. We force our way through. We somehow manage it. But it was exhausting, it was no fun, and if we have to tackle the thing again, it feels even worse the second time than the first. And when it’s our heart project, something truly beautiful suddenly feels like a burden.

We tend to judge these two strategies. Avoidance looks like weakness, gritting our teeth like strength. Yet when we look more closely, we notice that neither strategy does us any real favor. Because both fall into the category of treating the symptom, both leave us barely feeling better, and both skirt around the actual cause: namely, why the inner resistance is there in the first place.

What even is inner resistance?

Inner resistance often feels paralyzing, bothersome, heavy, and above all blocking. Something is standing in our way, and that something is us – no wonder, then, that we usually don’t want to look at it. Who likes looking an opponent in the eye?

But in truth, resistance behaves much like the emotions we tend to label “negative,” simply because they aren’t light but heavy. It may be uncomfortable, but ultimately it’s an important mechanism: it points us to an inconsistency within ourselves. And with that, it offers the chance to integrate something inside us that may have been at odds for a long, long time.

Possible reasons – and how we find them

The reasons why we feel inner resistance are many. No diagnosis from the outside will help here, only a going-inward: we need a conversation with ourselves to find out what’s getting in its own way inside us. To give a sense of what might trigger inner resistance, here are a few of the many possibilities:

• What we want to do runs counter to our values.
• We want to stand up for ourselves, and at the same time we’re put under social pressure.
• We want to achieve something, and at the same time we’re afraid of failing.
• We believe there’s a better way, and we just haven’t found it yet.
• What we want to do doesn’t fit our self-image.
• We link an unpleasant memory to what we want to do.
• The social context of what we want to do is disturbed or distorted.
• It feels like a waste of time, and at the same time it’s a necessity.
• We fear we’re not good enough for what needs to be done.
• It reminds us of experiences we don’t want to repeat.
• The action isn’t in line with our long-term goals.
• The action doesn’t feel sustainable, and we’re missing an alternative.

Resistance usually arises because two sides within us don’t agree. Our values don’t like our goals, our self-image doesn’t like our actions, our need for safety rebels against our urge to grow. We all carry resistances like these within us, some more, some less, and depending on what our life looks like, we feel it more strongly or more faintly.

We’ve already talked about how avoidance and gritting our teeth are rarely healthy paths for us. So what does a constructive, sustainable way of handling inner resistance look like? Here’s a rough guideline for how we can approach the subject:

1. Pause, zoom out: the moment we notice inner resistance within us, rather than running away or fighting our way through, we consciously stand still.
2. Accept: look ourselves honestly in the eye and admit it: yes, there’s resistance here. Maybe have a warm little laugh about it: resistance is nothing to be ashamed of or afraid of.
3. Acknowledge: resistance is neither bad, nor dangerous, nor wrong. It’s a signpost, and for that we’re allowed to see it. It does us good to acknowledge every piece of resistance, no matter how small or insignificant it may seem.
4. Turn on compassion and (gladly with curiosity) get in touch with ourselves: what are we feeling? Anger, fear, numbness, frustration? Where does the feeling sit? Does the feeling remind us of something? Have we been telling ourselves rational explanations so far? Do we sense they might just be pretexts? And very importantly: what do we feel about the feeling we have? Are we judging it? If so, what does that judgment look like so far?

We can do this alone or with someone we trust, out loud or in writing, in ten minutes or in three hours. What matters is that we allow ourselves to take this time for ourselves.

The magical last step – integration

Once we’ve taken the steps above, we might have the thought: “That’s all well and good, but how does it solve my problem?”

Here, something remarkable usually happens. The moment we understand why the resistance is there at all, we no longer have to painfully force ourselves into anything. Because the real point of all this isn’t to silence one side within us, but to bring both sides to the table. What’s meant is integration: we don’t fight resistance, we take it in. We see both sides. We feel both sides. We listen to both sides.

Maybe, with the project we so badly want to tackle, we notice: “Okay, I’m afraid of failing, and that’s okay. At the same time, it matters to me to try, even if it might go wrong.” Because with that, we’re not fighting against the fear, we’re moving forward alongside it. We take something with us instead of pushing against it.

Once that has happened, the action usually flows on its own. And not because we’ve overcome something, but because we’ve resolved something: what was pushing back before now flows in one shared direction.

Should this last step not feel quite so magical, don’t worry: some resistances sit deep and need a special kind of listening – especially when we’ve carried them within us for a long time. What helps is giving the whole thing a little more attention. We can approach the subject even more deeply in a few different ways:

• Analytical: what exactly is at odds within me? What does the one side want, what does the other? Where can the two meet?
• Creative: away from either-or. What would be an alternative path I’ve overlooked so far?
• Visionary: how would I feel if this were resolved? How would I behave then?

In the end, all of it brings us a little closer to ourselves – and that’s exactly what inner resistance invites us to do.

Conclusion: Resistance is not a stop sign, it is a signpost

Our inner resistance is often far more logical, deeper, and more meaningful than we sometimes think. As bothersome as it may feel: it doesn’t slow us down to stop us – it slows us down so we can realign ourselves.

Neither avoidance nor gritting our teeth truly resolves the tension; both only postpone it. What resolves it is honest, patient listening – from us, to what’s going on inside us.

A few impulses to take with you

• Is there something in your life right now that you keep making a detour around?
• If you’re completely honest: which two sides in you aren’t actually in agreement there? What does the one want, what does the other?
• Where in your body does the resistance sit when you think about the matter – and does that feeling remind you of something?
• And if you already sense the reason: what would both sides in you need so that they can look in the same direction?